recovering from an affair in Surrey, BC
In my work with couples in Surrey, I find that partners experience very different emotions following the discovery of an affair.
if you were the one who was betrayed…
Your world has been turned upside down. Nobody has told you how to deal with an affair.
You feel lost and alone. Your partner hasn’t even left the house, and you want to beg and plead for them to come back to you. But you aren’t sure that you want them in this state.
No one tells you how to feel or act when this happens
You want this to be over. And fast. You feel betrayed. Confused. You wonder what you could have done differently.
You feel like you have lost your innocence. Your trust in yourself and your partner is gone.
You flip flop between whether you are feeling an amazing amount of anger or a sense of shock and confusion. One minute you might hate your partner, and the next you are just so sad about what has been lost.
Once the emotions stopped going back and forth every minute, you may have decided that you want to make it work with your partner. And now your friends are shaming you for your choice. This is your marriage, and your decision, so why does it feel so hard to do what you want.
It doesn’t matter if the affair you have experienced was a one-night fling or a 3-year relationship. Once the truth is out in the open, it is possible to experience some of all of these feelings and questions.
This was unexpected. You weren’t prepared for it, and it’s changed your life’s direction. This is trauma.
if you were the one who cheated…
You are experiencing a whole range of emotions. There’s a bit of relief for finally sharing the lie that you have been living with. You may be feeling shame. You wonder what your friends think about you now, and if you can ever hold your head up again. You are fearful that you will be alone after having shared this information.
What if you lose both your partner and the person you had the affair with?
You didn’t start out thinking you’d cheat on your partner…it may feel like it just happened without your full assent and now you’re here in this difficult situation. You believe that you want to find healing and make your relationship work, but you are afraid that you’ve pushed it over the edge.
And then there’s the part of wondering how long you are going to have to answer your partner’s questions and “jump through hoops” to build trust again. You know that this is part of what they need to recover, but it’s hard to see them hurting with the information that you do or don’t share.
counselling can help
You may be struggling with the idea of telling one more person about what has happened to your relationship, but the idea of sharing it with someone who isn’t involved in your lives and has to keep the information confidential sounds hopeful. You are a courageous and brave couple to face their pain head on and seek out help to put the pieces of your life back together again.
It is important to me that you both have a voice in counselling. If you are wanting to find a way to heal your relationship it is going to be a long road ahead of you, but I have hope for you. We will work together to build trust between you again, find ways to communicate better, and build the relationship that you want for yourselves.
If you aren’t sure how you want to proceed in this relationship, I can help you explore what is needed to make that decision. Being a neutral person, I am able to help you look at your relationship as a whole, and what it would look like to go your separate ways or stay together.
I can help you gain some clarity about how you want to move forward. Together we can work through the conflicting feelings you are having and find ways to facilitate the discussion of those together.
If you would like to explore if counselling can help you and your relationship, contact me through the button below.